there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
