I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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