if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
