I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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