i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize