Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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