you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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