Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
