what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Randomize
