how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
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