You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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