you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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