Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
it glows. i had to have it.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize