I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
