Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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