Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
