Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Your cock deserves a montage
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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