Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
