There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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