I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
