I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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