how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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