she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
