I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
