we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
