my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize