It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
