guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
