think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
