she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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