Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
