I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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