im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
