i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
