An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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