i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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