I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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