Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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