I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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