Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
