Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
