I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
