And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
