Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
