Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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