How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
