If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
