Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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