I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
In America we eat man semen.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
