I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
