i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We need to get me chipped asap
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
