Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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