I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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