Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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