Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
