How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
